Thrivin Soul: writing

Lately, I find myself complaining passively and actively especially about my thesis. And I realize that it's been piling up until I noticed that I overlooked the blessings that God has given me. So I prayed to God on how I can practice gratitude again. And indeed He gave me an answer -- journaling.

I've been doing it on and off for years. It's just recently that I wrote on a regular basis. One, because the majority of the Christian vloggers and preachers that I follow on Youtube suggest journaling for devotion and/or gratitude writing. Two, I just personally love writing down random thoughts and ideas these days because I consume so many books and videos more than my brain can handle sometimes.

What I also appreciate about journaling especially in my times of doubt and ungratefulness is that whenever I read my past journals of gratitude or prayer or just some random subtle but happy thoughts, it's always as if my past self is writing my present self on how to be grateful; on how to appreciate the simplest of things even (and perhaps especially) in times of failure.

I'd also like to believe that while I was writing these journals, God is revealing to me a message. And reading them again today, it's a gentle reminder from Jesus that I can put my perspective back to Him.

Here's one of the journals that I wrote over a week ago that gave me hope today:

Dear Lord, thank you for reminding me today that sometimes it's not in the loud and big moments that I can feel and see your miracles and presence. Instead, it's in those quiet and subtle things. In my quiet times with you everyday, I am reminded by Your great love for me. Because more often that not, I distant myself when things get difficult when all the more I should be holding on to you more than ever -- when things don't make sense. And my thesis doesn't make sense now, Lord. But I'm grateful for the progress. Help me to hold on to you no matter what the circumstance. Remind me everyday of what's trivial and what's essential. Romans 12:1-2 "So then, my friends, because of God's great mercy to us, I appeal to you: offer yourselves as a living sacrifice to God, dedicated to His service and pleasing to Him. This is the true worship that you should offer. Do not conform yourselves to the standards of this world, but let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of your mind. Then you will be able to know the will of God -- what is good and is pleasing to Him and is perfect."

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When I was in high school, I wrote a letter to JK Rowling. I remember gathering information on her postal address and the means to deliver it but I ended up not sending it. The letter was sleeping in my box for 9 years, together with some forgotten journals, letters, and whatnots.

Looking back, I did not have a single regret over that. Otherwise, I’d never have anything to laugh at these days. It was so innocent (and full of grammatical errors) you’d think an 8-year old kid wrote it.

It was printed on a yellow paper with my unapologetic handwriting.

Get ready for the most cringe-worthy letter you’ll ever read from a naive 15-year old Potterhead.

Dear Ms. JK Rowling,

Greetings with love!

Hi, good day! Hoping this letter will reach you (I just hope I had an owl!). I wish that you’re in a good condition now while reading my letter. I’m not very fluent and good in English so hoping that you’ll understand my message.

I wrote to you because I really, really, really admire you. I’m a Harry Potter addict. I read your books and I really love the way you wrote. I wish I could be like you – very imaginative. As others say, “your imagination is the limit.” I hope this doesn’t irritate you but I’ll say it again – I really, really, really, really, really, really admire you. I love the way you made Harry Potter’s life very realistic. And your spells, I really love it. And the characters!! I love all of them especially the “know-it-all” Hermione Granger. She’s very clever and very intelligent. Uhm… actually we’re a “bit” similar. And I’ll never forget the best headmaster Hogwarts had ever seen – Albus Dumbledore. Well, actually Ms. JK, I really cried when I read Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. What will happen to Harry in book 7? (Oh! I haven’t read book 7 yet!! Money shortage!) And if I’ll get a chance to meet and talk to you, 1 day will not be enough for us to “tackle” about HP. But of course, I haven’t got broomstick for me to get to your place. How I wish I had a Firebolt but a Nimbus 2008 will do. It will be an honor for me to meet you but that would be impossible, so as long as this letter will reach in your possession – it is my great pleasure. Ooooops!!! Before I forget, I just wanna say THANK YOU because I was inspired by you. Others say you book doesn’t do good because it’s all about witchcraft and magic but they’re just saying those things because they haven’t got the chance to read it. Or understand it. But either way, I want you to know that I learned a lot from your book. I know I’ll have no chance to meet you and know you better but please give me the chance to describe you – an extraordinary woman with extraordinary talent! The woman behind the famous story of Harry Potter. (I wish there’s book 8, 9, 10, 11, etc.)

And if it’s okay for you, uhm… I’m gonna wait for your reply Ms. JK.

God bless to your family, to your health and to your career!!

Sincerely yours,

Allain Jessel P. Macas, Phil., 15

(Original letter)

Apparently at 15 years old, I was very conscious at my English skills. And if I could have a dollar for every ‘really’ and ‘love’, I’d probably be a millionaire by now.

On a different note, where does this I’m-a-bit-similar-to-Hermione-Granger confidence came from? Or better yet, why is it gone now? ‘Cause I need some of that at this point of my life. Lol.

Seriously, reading past writings is both fun and nostalgic. Not only do you get to see improvements on your grammar and sentence construction, you’re also reminded of your innocence and... your past signature.

But there’s one thing that did not change – I was, am and will always be a Potterhead. ⚡

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I am currently reading Mark Manson's book entitled The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life. Why, I don't know. I stumbled upon this book on a Facebook group that I also randomly joined in. I think this year, I officially shifted from novel to self-help books. Hashtag I need help.

Anyway, this is not a book review as I am still on the 6th chapter. But there are just some points in the book that are so hard to ignore. Especially because today I got to experience and reflect on one of the most essential concepts-- fault and responsibility.

As few people know, (channeling The Script) I've got a new job now in the unemployment line. So I had to find a part-time job online just because. Fast forward, I'm now working as an English teacher in a home-based online English school. Within my first week of teaching, I never encountered any serious problems. None at all. Until today. When I checked my profile, I noticed that I was marked absent in one of my classes yesterday (which by the way I finished successfully). Not to mention, the site malfunctioned at the exact same time. Regardless, they deducted an amount 6 times my earning for 1 class (that's the rule). To give you a clearer picture, if I earn say Php5,000 per class, Php30,000 will be deducted from my total earnings. That's an exaggerated example. But yeah you get the idea. Imagine how outraged I was. It was like volunteering for 6 classes. Why will I pay for something that's not my fault?, I told myself. So then, funnily enough, I remembered what I have read in The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. No, it wasn't my fault. But it's my responsibility now. To borrow the words of Mark Manson, you can think of it this way-- fault is past tense; responsibility is present tense. It may or may not be my fault but it is my responsibility now that it has entered my life. So instead of explicitly blaming them for the situation, I gathered and sent some proofs that I really finished my class. While implicitly blaming them still. Just kidding.

We all have this tendency to blame others (or anything but ourselves) for our messed up situation and refuse to take responsibility but again to quote Mark Manson, we are responsible for experiences that aren't our fault all the time. This is part of life. He made a point by giving this example: For instance, you woke up one day and there was a newborn baby on your doorstep. It would not be your fault that the baby has been put there but the baby would now be your responsibility. And whatever you choose to do from that point onwards or not choose to do (which basically is also a choice) will be your responsibility as well.

The point is that whatever the state of your life is right now, chances are it's your fault. Or somebody else's. Or the result of the world's injustice. But one thing for sure is: it's your responsibility. And I believe there's so much power in that. 😊

PS. They already removed my penalty.

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Yes, I have self-diagnosed. And I’ve discovered that…

1. The discomfort is essential. Perhaps, it was not evident at the time but the discomfort made me non-complacent. It actually pushed me to go beyond my career mediocrity and find the one thing that I’m really good at and work at that point.

2. There’s a way out. But it’s not pretty (depends on your perspective). Sometimes, it won’t even feel like a way out because again, discomfort. You really just have to move forward and take it one step at a time. Having said that…

3. You need to pray for wisdom and clarity. One thing I know is by praying, you're not only pouring out your concerns to God but you're actually allowing His grace to flow through you paving the way to a clearer mind.

4. It’s okay to ask for help. It doesn’t make you weak. But rather it speaks volume about your character. One that is strong enough to say that you can’t do it on your own. Ask advice from your family, friends, mentors and colleagues. In my case, my best friends were (and still are) my support system during this crisis. I remember clearly when I lost it at Cebu IT Park. I was at the peak of the crisis. Haha. But that’s another story.

5. Not everyone will care. So stop telling random people about your plans and expect them to validate your actions. And possibly be discouraged for their indifference. Hashtag recipe for disappointments. But then again, I’m guilty as charged. And I learned this the hard way.

6. Your family is going to be there for you no matter what. I mean, what other choice do they have? Jk. But really, there will definitely be misunderstanding. Lots of it. In my case, my parents wanted me to work in an engineering industry which should be expected of me. After all, I am an engineer. But right now, I’m trying to pursue my almost-buried passion. It took a while to make them fully understand but as of writing, no more cold treatment has been recorded.

7. Most of the pressure you’re feeling is coming from you. And the amount (from the world) that you allowed to enter your mind. Being an achiever (sort of) contributed to the dilemma. And most of the time, I find it hard to forgive myself quickly when I do something awful whether it’s intentional or not. But I find comfort in the fact that God has forgiven me. So I need to brush it all off and get over myself.

8. Resiliency. The strength to pick myself up every time I start to slip back is probably one of the most important takeaways from this experience. Cliché but true.

I know we all go through different phases of this crisis. Or different versions of it. Whatever you call it. Some emerged beautifully from it, others are still experiencing it. Perhaps, many people are going through it once or twice. The important thing is we choose to learn from it. Just take your time.

So there you go. My own fair share of the infamous quarter-life crisis. But you don’t have to take my word for it. :P

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Not to be self-proclaimed or anything but I tend to be a jack-of-all-trades, master of none. By definition, a jack-of-all-trades is a person who can do many different types of work but who is not necessarily very competent at any of them. It implies that by trying to learn many things, you give up the mastery of any of them. But there's an interesting idea from David Cole that this is a myth (let's talk about that some other time). I guess what I'm trying to say is despite the many things that I would like to do at the same time, it helps to define objectives and targets in my blogging life. I find it challenging to extract these from my ever-disorganized mind but I'll give it a shot. So here are my blogging goals for the time being:

1. Have an end-of-the-week entry. Along with my posts every now and then, I intend to maintain a weekly entry that will highlight my week's favorites. Be it in music, tv shows and everything else under my leisure list.

2. Be original. As much as possible. I mean it's hard to perceive what's original or not these days. I've seen a lot of people use someone's idea and pretend it's their own. It kind of disgusts me in all honestly. However, there's really no such thing as starting from scratch. What I want to emphasize is although I could get inspiration from other blogs, I'd still be able to create something unique that would express who I really am. But at the same time giving credit to where it is due.

3. Write not just for the sake of writing. I hope I don't compromise this because of my first commitment. So you know what they say, make writing a habit. And as cliché as it may sound, always write from the heart.

4. Minimize linking other photos. Refer to number 2 and you'll know I'm a bit of a hypocrite. Half-kidding. The photos that I've used for my past entries are from different blogs (I put credits at the bottom) because I'm such a rookie at photo editing. But I'll try to make my own (or perhaps use fotor) from now on.

5. Interact more with bloggers. This is challenging than I thought. I want to think that I'm selectively social/ambivert or whatever label or category people made in order to comfort themselves. So I commit to take baby steps in interacting more with different kinds of bloggers to widen my perspective.

6. Make money out of blogging. Now this is the difficult part. I don't like to do it because of the profit but since there is an opportunity, let's let it in. Also, we're paying for the domain so we want the return of investment, don't we? I just do not know how to put ads and carry this out without annoying the readers (myself included). This is something I have to research first.

7. Have fun! And don't take everything too seriously.

There you have it, ladies and gents, my 7 blogging goals that would most likely be just a drive for the next few months. To be fair to myself, I hope not.

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I don’t pretend to know everything but this I know: One of the best things you can offer to someone is your honesty. And I mean that in every angle and corners of this universe. No one ever desires for hurtful words but I’d rather be told the truth than live with lies. I don’t deserve lies. No one does.

That is why I opted for the most obvious resolution of a long-time running dilemma. I cannot cite different circumstance here. I only have mine to specify.. in the hope that people with the same situation can get something out of this (as I did from the article I've come across that inspire me to write this).

Nothing is as distracting as the feeling as though you’re trapped somewhere between confusion, expectation and uncertainty (Actually, I don’t know what I’m trying to get at). Having someone to care for you is one thing. Having someone you want to take care of is another. And you know what they say, “It’s pretty much the human condition. The people we want don’t want us. The people who want us, we don’t want. When there’s a rare exception to that rule, we call it love.” Some may disagree with that definition of love but my point is, that exception never occurred with me and the person I’m dragging along with this blog post.

It’s been, what, roughly 2 years since we started hanging out as no less than two people sharing common interests but no more than lovers, that I can assure. Of course, there were confidence being boosted, and assumptions being expected. But the latter was never met. We weren’t ready for anything. At all. That’s funny because I claim to be the love guru wannabe (?).

Long story short, he gathered his strength and asked permission to pursue me. Unfortunately, we’re now in a quite different spectrum. So different that I can’t even remind myself of how common we were not-so-long time ago. Or maybe we really were not. Thing is that it bothered me so much of how I should relay something heartbreaking as that. I never want to affect people in a negative way let alone to break someone (because I know how that feels). At first, I could not grasp the idea that one person could actually have that power over somebody. I do not want that power as much as I don’t want anybody to have that over me. I wanted to just disappear and leave everything unanswered like I did a couple of times because I thought that was way easier than going through a lot of dramas and awkward encounters. Obviously, I was wrong. I should know that because if the fate was reversed, I would never want to be left hanging with uncertainties. More than a month of thinking and weighing things up, I decided to get over myself and did ourselves a favor. I let honesty speak for itself and prayed that it would liberate both of us from the situation.

Sure, it was one of the most uncomfortable confrontation but hadn’t I done it as early as now, he would have believed I’m just trying to play hard to get and I would have carried this ever-growing guilt, perplexity, and annoyance bottled together.

5/31/14 1:21am

(Image from this site.)

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Man, where do I begin. It’s been months since I wrote a lengthy post in my blog. Not that it’s necessary but looking back, it was always when there’s an extreme emotion that I was able to come up with phrases and sentences for my scattered thoughts.

Well, I don’t feel too happy or too sad these days. Sure, I’ve had bad days and good ones but they’re not so remarkable either. Is that a bad thing?

Anyway, this is about my fickle-mindedness lately. Whether it’s because of the major transition from school to the ‘real world’ or just mainly because I’ve been stuck in my chaotic room and the virtual world 24/7, I don’t really know. Or maybe both. I stopped figuring it out.

Apparently, I have stopped figuring things out since forever. It’s because I usually end up (a) overthinking or (b) detaching myself from things and people around me. Which is quite melodramatic, yuck.

I’ve always said that transition is the most difficult thing. Well okay, next to licking your own elbows and sneezing with your eyes open maybe because those are next to impossible. And don’t try them, you’ll fail.

Going back, I think transition is not endearing because people fear change. We fear the unknown. We always want to be in control. And it’s safe to say that I’m in the most difficult transition by far. Not the transition from human to vampire. Although, I would have chosen that if I had the chance. But that switch from trivial problems in school a.k.a teen dramas and paperworks to serious real world dilemmas of grown-ups.

Well just like everybody in this planet, all I can do is move forward. But irony is hitting me on the head real hard. I thought I’ve planned things well. Somehow being one step closer made me fearful and confused. It’s like dreaming to swim in an ocean but once you’re actually there, you get scared by its depth.

I cancelled my flight to Luzon months ago. I felt like I wasn’t prepared in every aspect of my being (wow big word). I felt like I needed to do something first. It’s a never-ending quest, I suppose.

I signed up for the Christian Life Program of Singles For Christ community but I only attended two sessions and then gone like an irresponsible member. Not to mention, almost the same time last year I also joined CLP of the other chapter and did the exact same boycotting. No big reasons, trust me. It’s mainly because I have a lazy arse to show up.

So, my parents enrolled me in a swimming lesson. I thought, yeah sure why not I need to learn the proper strokes. We paid for 10 sessions and I only showed up 4 times. How generous of me.

Then I just kept on changing my mind from time to time; signing up for anything I think would be cool and losing interest before the sun sets; applying on online jobs just to keep me occupied; thinking of joining singing contest just to annoy people and realizing it’s probably not a good idea.

Don’t expect for a plot twist. That’s not gonna happen here. It still is an on-going process of this overwhelmed mind of yours truly. The difference maybe is that I’ve learned to never take myself too seriously. It’s kind of stressful and you get lots of acne during the process.

Well, aren’t we all work in progress?

2015 entry

(Image from this site.)

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