Thrivin Soul: relationship

I guess it’s safe to say that 2020 has been a difficult year — as individuals and as a society for the most part.

Started the year watching fireworks at Taipei 101 with friends from school. Went to nearby tourist spots weeks after that. Then, went back home for about a week. I’d say that week was probably the most jam-packed week by far. There was never a day that I didn’t meet with people or have some important errands in between.

In hindsight, I couldn’t even imagine how I squeezed everything in that week. I spent time with my family, stayed for almost 2 days in a monastery to clear my mind for a while, invested in a real estate, gave another shot into my then failing relationship (and the only thing that reminds me of that encounter was a photo of his hand beside the salad that we bought from the restaurant), visited my university, and other things I couldn’t recall.

I thought I started it right. I had a blast from that Taipei trip. I was able to see my family. My finances were improving. My relationship with my then-boyfriend had a silver lining. We were both convinced we’re going to make it right. The first quarter of the year was a complete turnaround from that 2019 heartbreak.

But then covid happened. It’s as if everything was put on hold. The virus survived more than that relationship. Wow. On top of that, I had to extend for one more semester because my research has been greatly affected by the pandemic.

But that’s just me. Ironically, one major lesson I learned from all of this is: it’s not all about me. It’s not even about me. I learned that we can only control so much. And 2020 had for sure made us realize that we are not in control. We are not invincible.

All of our plans were ruined. We all had to adjust to the new normal. But it was also a year full of realizations, don’t you think? We lost 2 of my uncles. My dad’s brother and his brother-in-law. I wasn’t there to mourn with my family and relatives. It was a tough time. But I guess we all learned to surrender to God what was beyond our control. And to maximize the time to act upon the things we can.

This year has taught us to see what really matters in life — quality relationships, helping others, appreciating what we have, and just being there. Well, maybe not physically but in spirit.

As cliche as it, I hope we can leave the negativity behind. And pack all of those learnings from 2020 and bring them with us in 2021. Holding on to God’s promise in Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

No Comments

Lately, I find myself complaining passively and actively especially about my thesis. And I realize that it's been piling up until I noticed that I overlooked the blessings that God has given me. So I prayed to God on how I can practice gratitude again. And indeed He gave me an answer -- journaling.

I've been doing it on and off for years. It's just recently that I wrote on a regular basis. One, because the majority of the Christian vloggers and preachers that I follow on Youtube suggest journaling for devotion and/or gratitude writing. Two, I just personally love writing down random thoughts and ideas these days because I consume so many books and videos more than my brain can handle sometimes.

What I also appreciate about journaling especially in my times of doubt and ungratefulness is that whenever I read my past journals of gratitude or prayer or just some random subtle but happy thoughts, it's always as if my past self is writing my present self on how to be grateful; on how to appreciate the simplest of things even (and perhaps especially) in times of failure.

I'd also like to believe that while I was writing these journals, God is revealing to me a message. And reading them again today, it's a gentle reminder from Jesus that I can put my perspective back to Him.

Here's one of the journals that I wrote over a week ago that gave me hope today:

Dear Lord, thank you for reminding me today that sometimes it's not in the loud and big moments that I can feel and see your miracles and presence. Instead, it's in those quiet and subtle things. In my quiet times with you everyday, I am reminded by Your great love for me. Because more often that not, I distant myself when things get difficult when all the more I should be holding on to you more than ever -- when things don't make sense. And my thesis doesn't make sense now, Lord. But I'm grateful for the progress. Help me to hold on to you no matter what the circumstance. Remind me everyday of what's trivial and what's essential. Romans 12:1-2 "So then, my friends, because of God's great mercy to us, I appeal to you: offer yourselves as a living sacrifice to God, dedicated to His service and pleasing to Him. This is the true worship that you should offer. Do not conform yourselves to the standards of this world, but let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of your mind. Then you will be able to know the will of God -- what is good and is pleasing to Him and is perfect."

No Comments

This line from Jefferson Bethke has blown me away. I’ve been binge-watching his videos about Christianity on youtube and in one of his videos entitled Counterfeit Gods (please please watch it), he mentioned that we all worship a certain god – material possession, sexual desires, a person, standards of society – which ultimately dictates our actions.

It made so much sense and resonated with me (and hopefully in you as well) because at some point in my life, I slowly put my worth and my identity in my past relationship. I thought I had solid faith and values but I found myself in compromising situations. I invested too much too soon and in no time, the relationship became my source of validation. Even the thought of losing it made me wallow in tears. I knew that our relationship wasn’t leading me closer to Jesus because we would allow ourselves to be tempted, to give room for sins, to entertain our lust for each other; yet I ignored these signs. Because I was naïve enough to think that loving each other is having lust for each other. And maybe that is partly true. But it doesn’t have to be the entirety of it. Because now I know that true and pure love frees you from sin. True love protects you from them. True love will never ever compromise your values.

For years, I have held on to the belief that sex should be inside the covenant of marriage. That it is safest in the context of marriage. But I had some gray areas to the things lesser than sex. I assumed they were “okay” – the kissing, the necking, petting, cuddling, and other sexual foreplay. But I knew deep down in my heart that they were sinful because I let the lust controlled me. I lusted for my partner. I allowed him to lust over me. I allowed the disrespect both from him and from myself. And it took me so much strength to detach myself from the relationship, and even after the breakup, I struggled with these thoughts and desires.

I anchored my worth to it that’s why it was so hard for me to let go even though I knew we weren’t glorifying the Lord in that relationship. Just like the human’s addiction to alcohol, pornography, masturbation, material possession, power, or whatever it is – if we make these our gods, they will own us. Our actions, our belief system, our lives. Perhaps they provide us with fleeting ‘satisfaction’ but never a true and lasting one. Because these things are broken, imperfect and sinful. These gods never took nails in their hands and feet and died for us. They did not redeem us nor gave us an everlasting grace, mercy, and love. But Jesus did. And He still does. He is the only One who can fill that void inside us.

We live in a time where premarital sex has become the norm and socially acceptable. It’s getting harder and harder to talk about it with your group of friends because either you are deemed as “judgmental” or they simply make fun of you. But if we truly understand that our worth is in Christ, we will no longer be a slave of sexual immorality, or the society’s standards or any false god – and it will not be hard to show real compassion for our brothers and sisters who are also struggling in this area.

We can reflect on the story of a woman who committed adultery. Jesus challenged the people and said, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” And told the woman that He did not condemn her and said, “Go and sin no more.”

There is so much grace from God. And I have witnessed it in my life and the lives of the people around me. Now, I gave up those false gods. Does it mean I’m free from temptation? Does it mean I’m perfect and do not sin anymore? No. But I’m no longer a slave to them. Because I know my worth. I know my identity. And it is in Christ.

And you are too, my brothers and sisters. Don’t let these false gods own you. Jesus does not and will not condemn you. He sees you with loving and merciful eyes. He waits for you to return to Him like the father who waited with open arms for his prodigal son.

Photo source

No Comments

I wish I could say there’s beauty in all of this pain. There is none. There is only sadness, guilt, indifference, doubt, regret, disappointment all bottled up together. No breakup is a good breakup. It will always hurt. It will always affect you in a way. Whether you were the one being broken up with or the other way around; whether it lasted for 1 year or 10; more often than not, it will take a toll on you.

I never entered a relationship before because I wanted to find a man fit for me, after God’s own heart, who will be my first and last. Although there were a few good men who pursued me in the past, and some of them whom I actually grew some liking, I didn’t develop a deep attraction to them. I’m not talking about physical attraction but profound, deep-rooted, emotional connection.

For years, I have prayed to God to desire His will for my life. Especially the desire for marriage. And the ability to make the most out of my single life for His glory.

I remember when I was in high school, I was crying inside my room, begging for God to give me wisdom. I was so insecure about my body back then that I knew asking Him to make me look the most beautiful is as impossible as it is foolish. So, I begged for understanding. For the wisdom that sees beyond the physical. I didn’t have a direct answer from Him that night. Yet He led me to people, to friends, to mentors and to a community that speaks of His glory beyond the superficial.

It seemed like a distant sight, but I prayed for the qualities of my future partner – has a growing relationship with Him, family-oriented, mature and responsible, patient, has a good sense of humor and is capable of loving me. And while I prayed these things, I also prayed to become this person first. I prayed to not grow impatient in waiting and while I’m at it, I will enjoy the singleness God had given me. Because if it is His desire for me to marry, then He will surely lead me to the right person.

But the universe does have a funny way of testing our free will, doesn’t it? While the Lord gives us His overflowing grace and mercy, we still have the freedom to choose things... and people that enter our lives.

I have never truly pictured myself being in a relationship with someone who is as imperfect as me. When I graduated from college and finally passed the board exam, I had a different struggle with life that the idea of having a partner seemed out of place. Finally, I waded my way through the quarter-life crisis and pursued something I love doing. I focused on improving myself at my chosen craft. Romantic relationship was never a priority for me. But just when I thought things couldn’t get more complicated in this area, I found my first love… in the person of a guy that is 5 years younger than me.

I will spare you the details. But although he didn’t fit the description in my prayers, we developed a deep connection that I have never felt in another human being before. You can call me naïve or in love, it doesn’t matter. There’s nothing that would make me feel offended these days than the fact that after all those risks that I took, the rumors that I had to ignore, the negative perceptions from some important people in my life that I had to change… it still didn’t work out. We didn’t work out. We weren’t on the same page. I overlooked all the signs pointing to that in the hope that he will be my first and last.

It sucks. And that’s the inevitable truth. And just because I was the one who ended the relationship, it doesn’t mean that I feel the lesser pain. Perhaps, I feel a different kind. I don’t know. But when you invest your time, effort, and emotion to a person every single day, you take the risk of having that person hand back a shattered heart... except that you trust them not to.

There is no way I can romanticize the pain of a failed relationship. Is there a beauty after the pain? Definitely. I hope so. Right now, I take comfort in God’s promise, “I will love you forever and unfailingly (Psalm 103:17),” and pray for both of us to become better people and hold on to God’s love wherever we are at this stage of life.

No Comments

Growing up, I’ve had the privilege to celebrate my birthdays full of balloons, cakes, sometimes lechon, karaoke, gifts, and whatnots – with people that I love. Although when I reached my teenage years, those material things turned to random midnight surprises, sleepovers, late night talks over chips and pizza and some liquor. I mean I’m not complaining. I’ve always loved a laid-back celebration without having to entertain visitors and become the center of attention for hours.

This year is both the same and different. It’s the same laid-back celebration and nothing fancy. Just me and my friends who decided to spend the day in Alishan National Scenic Area in Chiayi, Taiwan. It was my first time to celebrate my birthday outside the Philippines and away from my family. God has given me the opportunity to pursue my graduate studies in Taiwan and I couldn’t be more grateful. I mean, I’m grateful to be alive at the very least.

Exactly 12 midnight on my birthday, my friends surprised me with a cake from a local store near our dormitory while singing the happy birthday song. For a moment, my homesickness was eased. Thank God for thoughtful friends.

And so earlier that day, we headed to Chiayi which is just adjacent to Tainan where we are staying. It took more or less an hour to arrive at the train station and roughly 2 hours going to Alishan by taxi.

When we arrived, we immediately grabbed some soup at 7/11 to compensate for the cold weather. It was a lot of firsts for me at 26. Not only because it was my first time to ride a forest train or see an actual cherry blossom tree (which were a lot of fun by the way), it’s also because for the first time, I felt completely independent. Not just in the financial sense but more so in the emotional aspect. Like I’m bolder, better and more resilient because I have a God who is far bigger than all my problems combined. You know, those kinds of things you realize when you turn a year older. Hihi.

Anyway, as I was reflecting on my life in between the long walks that we had, I realize what better song that fits this entire drama than Stop This Train by John Mayer. So, I compiled some videos from the trip and put the song as the background. Here’s my amateur attempt at it:

I love this song. I mean, who doesn’t? It talks perfectly about being afraid of getting old. Wanting to stop this train. But then realizing that we’ll never gonna stop this train of life. Because it just moves forward without caring for whether or not we’ve figured out where we want to go. It just takes us and if we are wise, we can use it to our advantage.

Well, here's to more laid-back but purposeful years.

No Comments

I don’t pretend to know everything but this I know: One of the best things you can offer to someone is your honesty. And I mean that in every angle and corners of this universe. No one ever desires for hurtful words but I’d rather be told the truth than live with lies. I don’t deserve lies. No one does.

That is why I opted for the most obvious resolution of a long-time running dilemma. I cannot cite different circumstance here. I only have mine to specify.. in the hope that people with the same situation can get something out of this (as I did from the article I've come across that inspire me to write this).

Nothing is as distracting as the feeling as though you’re trapped somewhere between confusion, expectation and uncertainty (Actually, I don’t know what I’m trying to get at). Having someone to care for you is one thing. Having someone you want to take care of is another. And you know what they say, “It’s pretty much the human condition. The people we want don’t want us. The people who want us, we don’t want. When there’s a rare exception to that rule, we call it love.” Some may disagree with that definition of love but my point is, that exception never occurred with me and the person I’m dragging along with this blog post.

It’s been, what, roughly 2 years since we started hanging out as no less than two people sharing common interests but no more than lovers, that I can assure. Of course, there were confidence being boosted, and assumptions being expected. But the latter was never met. We weren’t ready for anything. At all. That’s funny because I claim to be the love guru wannabe (?).

Long story short, he gathered his strength and asked permission to pursue me. Unfortunately, we’re now in a quite different spectrum. So different that I can’t even remind myself of how common we were not-so-long time ago. Or maybe we really were not. Thing is that it bothered me so much of how I should relay something heartbreaking as that. I never want to affect people in a negative way let alone to break someone (because I know how that feels). At first, I could not grasp the idea that one person could actually have that power over somebody. I do not want that power as much as I don’t want anybody to have that over me. I wanted to just disappear and leave everything unanswered like I did a couple of times because I thought that was way easier than going through a lot of dramas and awkward encounters. Obviously, I was wrong. I should know that because if the fate was reversed, I would never want to be left hanging with uncertainties. More than a month of thinking and weighing things up, I decided to get over myself and did ourselves a favor. I let honesty speak for itself and prayed that it would liberate both of us from the situation.

Sure, it was one of the most uncomfortable confrontation but hadn’t I done it as early as now, he would have believed I’m just trying to play hard to get and I would have carried this ever-growing guilt, perplexity, and annoyance bottled together.

5/31/14 1:21am

(Image from this site.)

No Comments

POPULAR POSTS

Podcast

Soundcloud

Blog Archive