"Hearts are muscles. To build muscle, you have to break down what you have, so it can rebuild itself bigger and stronger."

This line struck me the most as I was reading an article from the web about the difference between codependency and love. I guess because it makes so much sense about life. About growing. Physically and emotionally.

You want to build your biceps and triceps? Exercise. Lift weights. Break down the muscles. Rest. Eat healthy foods. Then your body rebuilds them bigger and stronger. That is if you do it right.

The same is true in love. You give your heart fully to somebody. In worst cases, they give it back broken into pieces. You take those pieces together and let yourself be healed in time. Then you pick yourself up and realize you're a much stronger person.

Have I been watching way too many cliché movies? Perhaps. But one thing I know: pain is essential as it is inevitable. Is there beauty in pain? Maybe. Is there beauty after emerging from a painful experience? Definitely. Like a butterfly that goes through metamorphosis. Or a wife that finally divorces her abusive husband.  Or a mother who went through tough labor and yet when she sees and nurses her newborn child, all the pain becomes bearable.

My heart was once shattered. But like a muscle that broke down, it is now stronger than it has ever been.

Lately, I find myself complaining passively and actively especially about my thesis. And I realize that it's been piling up until I noticed that I overlooked the blessings that God has given me. So I prayed to God on how I can practice gratitude again. And indeed He gave me an answer -- journaling.

I've been doing it on and off for years. It's just recently that I wrote on a regular basis. One, because the majority of the Christian vloggers and preachers that I follow on Youtube suggest journaling for devotion and/or gratitude writing. Two, I just personally love writing down random thoughts and ideas these days because I consume so many books and videos more than my brain can handle sometimes.

What I also appreciate about journaling especially in my times of doubt and ungratefulness is that whenever I read my past journals of gratitude or prayer or just some random subtle but happy thoughts, it's always as if my past self is writing my present self on how to be grateful; on how to appreciate the simplest of things even (and perhaps especially) in times of failure.

I'd also like to believe that while I was writing these journals, God is revealing to me a message. And reading them again today, it's a gentle reminder from Jesus that I can put my perspective back to Him.

Here's one of the journals that I wrote over a week ago that gave me hope today:

Dear Lord, thank you for reminding me today that sometimes it's not in the loud and big moments that I can feel and see your miracles and presence. Instead, it's in those quiet and subtle things. In my quiet times with you everyday, I am reminded by Your great love for me. Because more often that not, I distant myself when things get difficult when all the more I should be holding on to you more than ever -- when things don't make sense. And my thesis doesn't make sense now, Lord. But I'm grateful for the progress. Help me to hold on to you no matter what the circumstance. Remind me everyday of what's trivial and what's essential. Romans 12:1-2 "So then, my friends, because of God's great mercy to us, I appeal to you: offer yourselves as a living sacrifice to God, dedicated to His service and pleasing to Him. This is the true worship that you should offer. Do not conform yourselves to the standards of this world, but let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of your mind. Then you will be able to know the will of God -- what is good and is pleasing to Him and is perfect." 

This line from Jefferson Bethke has blown me away. I’ve been binge-watching his videos about Christianity on youtube and in one of his videos entitled Counterfeit Gods (please please watch it), he mentioned that we all worship a certain god – material possession, sexual desires, a person, standards of society – which ultimately dictates our actions.

And you are too, my brothers and sisters. Don’t let these false gods own you. Jesus does not and will not condemn you. He sees you with loving and merciful eyes. He waits for you to return to Him like the father who waited with open arms for his prodigal son.