I wish I could say there’s beauty in all of this pain. There is none. There is only sadness, guilt, indifference, doubt, regret, disappointment all bottled up together. No breakup is a good breakup. It will always hurt. It will always affect you in a way. Whether you were the one being broken up with or the other way around; whether it lasted for 1 year or 10; more often than not, it will take a toll on you.
I never entered a relationship before because I wanted to find a man fit for me, after God’s own heart, who will be my first and last. Although there were a few good men who pursued me in the past, and some of them whom I actually grew some liking, I didn’t develop a deep attraction to them. I’m not talking about physical attraction but profound, deep-rooted, emotional connection.
For years, I have prayed to God to desire His will for my life. Especially the desire for marriage. And the ability to make the most out of my single life for His glory.
I remember when I was in high school, I was crying inside my room, begging for God to give me wisdom. I was so insecure about my body back then that I knew asking Him to make me look the most beautiful is as impossible as it is foolish. So, I begged for understanding. For the wisdom that sees beyond the physical. I didn’t have a direct answer from Him that night. Yet He led me to people, to friends, to mentors and to a community that speaks of His glory beyond the superficial.
It seemed like a distant sight, but I prayed for the qualities of my future partner – has a growing relationship with Him, family-oriented, mature and responsible, patient, has a good sense of humor and is capable of loving me. And while I prayed these things, I also prayed to become this person first. I prayed to not grow impatient in waiting and while I’m at it, I will enjoy the singleness God had given me. Because if it is His desire for me to marry, then He will surely lead me to the right person.
But the universe does have a funny way of testing our free will, doesn’t it? While the Lord gives us His overflowing grace and mercy, we still have the freedom to choose things... and people that enter our lives.
I have never truly pictured myself being in a relationship with someone who is as imperfect as me. When I graduated from college and finally passed the board exam, I had a different struggle with life that the idea of having a partner seemed out of place. Finally, I waded my way through the quarter-life crisis and pursued something I love doing. I focused on improving myself at my chosen craft. Romantic relationship was never a priority for me. But just when I thought things couldn’t get more complicated in this area, I found my first love… in the person of a guy that is 5 years younger than me.
I will spare you the details. But although he didn’t fit the description in my prayers, we developed a deep connection that I have never felt in another human being before. You can call me naïve or in love, it doesn’t matter. There’s nothing that would make me feel offended these days than the fact that after all those risks that I took, the rumors that I had to ignore, the negative perceptions from some important people in my life that I had to change… it still didn’t work out. We didn’t work out. We weren’t on the same page. I overlooked all the signs pointing to that in the hope that he will be my first and last.
It sucks. And that’s the inevitable truth. And just because I was the one who ended the relationship, it doesn’t mean that I feel the lesser pain. Perhaps, I feel a different kind. I don’t know. But when you invest your time, effort, and emotion to a person every single day, you take the risk of having that person hand back a shattered heart... except that you trust them not to.
There is no way I can romanticize the pain of a failed relationship. Is there a beauty after the pain? Definitely. I hope so. Right now, I take comfort in God’s promise, “I will love you forever and unfailingly (Psalm 103:17),” and pray for both of us to become better people and hold on to God’s love wherever we are at this stage of life.
