Thrivin Soul: 2019

I wish I could say there’s beauty in all of this pain. There is none. There is only sadness, guilt, indifference, doubt, regret, disappointment all bottled up together. No breakup is a good breakup. It will always hurt. It will always affect you in a way. Whether you were the one being broken up with or the other way around; whether it lasted for 1 year or 10; more often than not, it will take a toll on you.

I never entered a relationship before because I wanted to find a man fit for me, after God’s own heart, who will be my first and last. Although there were a few good men who pursued me in the past, and some of them whom I actually grew some liking, I didn’t develop a deep attraction to them. I’m not talking about physical attraction but profound, deep-rooted, emotional connection.

For years, I have prayed to God to desire His will for my life. Especially the desire for marriage. And the ability to make the most out of my single life for His glory.

I remember when I was in high school, I was crying inside my room, begging for God to give me wisdom. I was so insecure about my body back then that I knew asking Him to make me look the most beautiful is as impossible as it is foolish. So, I begged for understanding. For the wisdom that sees beyond the physical. I didn’t have a direct answer from Him that night. Yet He led me to people, to friends, to mentors and to a community that speaks of His glory beyond the superficial.

It seemed like a distant sight, but I prayed for the qualities of my future partner – has a growing relationship with Him, family-oriented, mature and responsible, patient, has a good sense of humor and is capable of loving me. And while I prayed these things, I also prayed to become this person first. I prayed to not grow impatient in waiting and while I’m at it, I will enjoy the singleness God had given me. Because if it is His desire for me to marry, then He will surely lead me to the right person.

But the universe does have a funny way of testing our free will, doesn’t it? While the Lord gives us His overflowing grace and mercy, we still have the freedom to choose things... and people that enter our lives.

I have never truly pictured myself being in a relationship with someone who is as imperfect as me. When I graduated from college and finally passed the board exam, I had a different struggle with life that the idea of having a partner seemed out of place. Finally, I waded my way through the quarter-life crisis and pursued something I love doing. I focused on improving myself at my chosen craft. Romantic relationship was never a priority for me. But just when I thought things couldn’t get more complicated in this area, I found my first love… in the person of a guy that is 5 years younger than me.

I will spare you the details. But although he didn’t fit the description in my prayers, we developed a deep connection that I have never felt in another human being before. You can call me naïve or in love, it doesn’t matter. There’s nothing that would make me feel offended these days than the fact that after all those risks that I took, the rumors that I had to ignore, the negative perceptions from some important people in my life that I had to change… it still didn’t work out. We didn’t work out. We weren’t on the same page. I overlooked all the signs pointing to that in the hope that he will be my first and last.

It sucks. And that’s the inevitable truth. And just because I was the one who ended the relationship, it doesn’t mean that I feel the lesser pain. Perhaps, I feel a different kind. I don’t know. But when you invest your time, effort, and emotion to a person every single day, you take the risk of having that person hand back a shattered heart... except that you trust them not to.

There is no way I can romanticize the pain of a failed relationship. Is there a beauty after the pain? Definitely. I hope so. Right now, I take comfort in God’s promise, “I will love you forever and unfailingly (Psalm 103:17),” and pray for both of us to become better people and hold on to God’s love wherever we are at this stage of life.

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I don’t hate MCU. I guess I just never had the chance to appreciate it in the past. While my brothers (or friends) watch and talk about marvel, I’d be preoccupied with my own movie/novel addiction.

It was only recently that I came to realize how impactful their universe is. When Avengers: Infinity War was released last year, the movie was all over the place. The hype was never-ending, mind you. While I’m not one to easily jump into the bandwagon, I couldn’t help but be curious. A close friend of mine always talks about the movie. ALWAYS. My gosh, I lost count. He even rewatched it a million times already. Legend says he’s still watching it. Haha.

Anyway, he would send me videos and links to some fight scenes in the movie and I would watch them without a clue as to why and how these scenes came up to be. So, with so much curiosity, I finally succumbed to the pressure and watched Infinity War.

It was great. But damn, I was so lost half of the time. Why? Because I have never watched a full movie of MCU. Not Iron Man, Thor, Captain America, or any of it. What a cavewoman. Haha. I remember asking a lot of questions while watching the movie at home. My brothers were so annoyed.

Wait, what happened to Thor? DID THIS THANOS GUY JUST KILL LOKI?! Why does the start of the movie feel like a climax already? What are these stones anyway?

See, I would be annoyed too if I were my brothers. But it took me a year to completely dive into MCU. When Endgame was released this year, I couldn’t stand the lack of understanding for each character. Not anymore.

So, I looked for a list of movies I should watch before Endgame. And I found it in Wikipedia. They listed the movies from phase 1-3. With some happy coincidence, some movies were in Netflix already so I didn’t have a hard time downloading all of them.

Then, there began the journey. I would watch 1-3 movies a day not only because I wanted to keep up but because I was slowly sucked into the stories. I was beginning to understand every character’s back story. And why they did what they did in Infinity War. Except maybe Quill. That one I still couldn’t get over with.

Speaking of, my most favorite movie/s of them all would have to be Guardians of the Galaxy! Man, I love their dynamics as a team. How they sort of accidentally formed into one big group of random people and bonded as a family. That gets me every time. And the story about how they portrayed Yondu in Vol. 2 as Quill’s father figure all this time, that was the best! Not to mention the awesome soundtrack in the movie. And the cuteness of baby Groot. I mean, you just never ran out of things to love about Guardians.

So then, I rewatched Infinity War and you know that feeling when every minute, every frame, every conversation finally made sense to you? Multiply that by 9, that's how I felt about it. Haha. After I watched phase 1-3, I still ended up downloading them all anyway. And watching them all over again.

I also found myself buying avenger lego toys and an avenger tumbler. Oh no. I hope you Marvel fans out there welcome me with open arms as I curl into your bubble of established fandom, yes? Yes. Thank you. 😊

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Growing up, I’ve had the privilege to celebrate my birthdays full of balloons, cakes, sometimes lechon, karaoke, gifts, and whatnots – with people that I love. Although when I reached my teenage years, those material things turned to random midnight surprises, sleepovers, late night talks over chips and pizza and some liquor. I mean I’m not complaining. I’ve always loved a laid-back celebration without having to entertain visitors and become the center of attention for hours.

This year is both the same and different. It’s the same laid-back celebration and nothing fancy. Just me and my friends who decided to spend the day in Alishan National Scenic Area in Chiayi, Taiwan. It was my first time to celebrate my birthday outside the Philippines and away from my family. God has given me the opportunity to pursue my graduate studies in Taiwan and I couldn’t be more grateful. I mean, I’m grateful to be alive at the very least.

Exactly 12 midnight on my birthday, my friends surprised me with a cake from a local store near our dormitory while singing the happy birthday song. For a moment, my homesickness was eased. Thank God for thoughtful friends.

And so earlier that day, we headed to Chiayi which is just adjacent to Tainan where we are staying. It took more or less an hour to arrive at the train station and roughly 2 hours going to Alishan by taxi.

When we arrived, we immediately grabbed some soup at 7/11 to compensate for the cold weather. It was a lot of firsts for me at 26. Not only because it was my first time to ride a forest train or see an actual cherry blossom tree (which were a lot of fun by the way), it’s also because for the first time, I felt completely independent. Not just in the financial sense but more so in the emotional aspect. Like I’m bolder, better and more resilient because I have a God who is far bigger than all my problems combined. You know, those kinds of things you realize when you turn a year older. Hihi.

Anyway, as I was reflecting on my life in between the long walks that we had, I realize what better song that fits this entire drama than Stop This Train by John Mayer. So, I compiled some videos from the trip and put the song as the background. Here’s my amateur attempt at it:

I love this song. I mean, who doesn’t? It talks perfectly about being afraid of getting old. Wanting to stop this train. But then realizing that we’ll never gonna stop this train of life. Because it just moves forward without caring for whether or not we’ve figured out where we want to go. It just takes us and if we are wise, we can use it to our advantage.

Well, here's to more laid-back but purposeful years.

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